The primo turn-of-the-century source for movie gossip

 When Guillermo del Toro’s Blade II hit theaters 20 years ago this month, it was a much-needed critical and commercial hit for the filmmaker, chalking up $155 million worldwide and better-than-average reviews.

This is not the story of that movie. It is the story of one of these reviews—quite possibly the worst movie review ever published, at least in an outlet of note.

The outlet was Ain’t It Cool News, the primo turn-of-the-century source for movie gossip, test screening leaks, and off-the-cuff criticism; the author was the site’s founder and editor in chief, Harry Knowles. “BLADE 2 is an R-rated movie,” Knowles wrote. “This is the NC-17 Review of it. You have been warned.”

Knowles continues with a disclosure. “For me to review BLADE 2, it is a major conflict of interest, because Guillermo Del Toro and I are brothers,” he brags. “His father says so. His wife believes this. Guillermo and I are just the best of friends, but when El Gordo calls my father Dad, and I call his Dad ‘Pops’ and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the movies and pussy.” Knowles then floats his thesis: “I believe Guillermo Del Toro eats pussy better than any man alive.”

https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=jpnzh.leavemealoneversiontwfullhd

https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=jpnzh.betmunversiontw-zh

https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=jpnzh.blacklightversiontw-versizh

https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=yaroytw.Shingwereversiontw-versizh

https://marketplace.visualstudio.com/items?itemName=yaroytw.bestfrindbrkfasfreezhtw

https://bopaykganteng.blogspot.com/2022/03/pulling-off-multi-starrer-with-jr-ntr.html

And then, for 500-plus agonizing words, he carries out this tortured metaphor, imagining del Toro’s film as “the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover,” while “the Audience is the clit.” He breaks down a key sequence with sextlike play-by-play: “It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly.” He describes the orgasmic responses of women around him at his screening, and boasts that he grabbed one’s hand, “sniffed her fingers and said, ‘MMMm you’re fingers are wet … enjoy!’ ” He describes the future Oscar-winning director as a “wet chinned thigh splitter.” And he uses his stomach-churning analogy to promote del Toro’s next effort: “BLADE 2 was a teaser … It was just pussylicking. … HELLBOY is deep dicking!”

Reaction among Ain’t It Cool News readers was swift and divided, with its comments section (archived, to this day, at the end of the piece) capturing an equal mixture of disgust (“EWWWW!!! I think I just had cybersex with Harry…”) and elation (“That was the most daring review I’ve ever read”). But few took note of the piece outside the orbit of the site—which, to be fair, published hundreds of unreadable reviews under Knowles’ byline—until 2017, when a series of accusations of sexual assault and harassment against Knowles brought the site and its founder’s crumbling credibility to a seemingly permanent end. (Knowles has denied the allegations.)